one year...

This year has by far been THE HARDEST year of my life. Hands down. Today has been a lot more difficult that I thought it would be. I think about my mom multiple times a day, so I thought, although today marks a year since my mom passed away, I would be ok. I would be strong. I have to be. People depend on me to be. I've gotten real good at putting on a brave face.
I woke up this morning with my mom on my mind, as I lay in bed with my eyes closed, I felt tears streaming down my face, I didn't even realize I was crying. Oh great, I cannot start my day this way.
I am not the type of person to wallow in self pity...what's the point? I'm my biggest critic. I'm not getting any sympathy out of myself. --But there are days when I find myself jealous. Jealous of those girls that call their moms daily. Call to get advice, ask about a recipe, to vent, just to catch up. I miss that. I could spend hours talking to my mom. She was THE BEST listener. She always had words of encouragement. She knew the perfect thing to say. She laughed so hard at any story I told. She made me feel like I could do anything.

I have a terrific mother in law and other great women in my life that I know would do anything for me. For that I am grateful. But there's just something about a mom, that you just can't find anywhere else.

This is my absolute favorite picture of my mom. She stayed with me for a week when I had Harlow. She LOVED our little babe right from the beginning...I am confident to say she loved her as much as I do. Which is virtually impossible. My mom was in between chemo treatments when Harlow was born, she was so sick, had no energy and started loosing her hair. She didn't complain once. Instead, she cleaned and cooked, made sure I was ok. Held our sweet little baby and loved her unconditionally. She was concerned about me and Harlow, not herself.
This picture is in Harlow's room, I don't think I'll ever take it down. You can clearly see the love and adoration on my mom's face. So sweet. I clearly remembering taking this picture. It was such a tender moment and I am so grateful I was able to capture it.



Every night, before I go to sleep I think about her. About the amazing woman she was. Did I do everything right today? How would she have handled things? I am being the type of mother that she was to me? That's a lot of pressure, she was the best mom in my eyes. I can only hope to be a small percentage of the wife, mother and friend that she was. What an amazing legacy she left.

This last year I have learned to live life to it's fullest. To really be in the moment. When Harlow comes up to me, I need to get down to her level, look her in the eyes and listen. (Even if she is just babbling or telling me that she has her shoes on.) I need to be enthusiastic about even the smallest things. My happiness is reflected onto those around me. I need to encourage my husband and constantly let him know of my love and appreciation. I need to be a better friend. My sweet Sue was the best example to me and I can only hope to be anything like her.

I know I'll have tough days. Maybe even tough weeks. But I always tell myself, someone else has it worse. I am so blessed with wonderful family and friends. I have the gospel in my life. I have everything I can ever need. I am blessed. That was my mom's attitude and now it is mine.